I was swearing this was the week I was going to get my groove back at work and with my personal affairs and side business. Well the universe had other ideas.
My boyfriends sister passed away unexpectedly and he was having a rough week. I just worried about him and going right to him from work and just being there in whatever way I could. And that means putting my personal needs to the side. But you do what you have to for the ones you love. And I still could not manage to keep my personal shit to myself during this time and I feel like he resents me a little for it now.
This week I am struggling in the deep end of the pool. I’m not very depressed but it is starting and anxiety never leaves me it is just a matter of when and why. I suffer from anxiety and depression ALL my life. It wasn’t addressed until at the age of 12 when I asked for help in school. You would think someone would have noticed it was not normal as a 4/5-year-old kid to bang my head in the wall and cry when I was upset about getting in trouble or something I did wrong or if I was upset about something and could not articulate it. Not my family.
It took me until say 5 years ago to START realizing that I am not as crazy as I sometimes I feel. That my family while they are not bad people, are narcissistic and that the way I was brought up by them is why I am the way I am. And in the past year since I have been with my bf, I have realized so much more, I almost feel really stupid that I had not gotten it before. But I have to remember I could not figure this out as a child and that I have now and I can move forward.
I keep saying how good my bf has been for me – it is true – he grasped my soul and began soothing it almost immediately – without even trying.
We are having some small hiccups right now , probably mostly my fault. He is not emotional at all and I am overly emotional. And I had horrible piece of shit relationships the last one 2 years the previous 10. So it is super easy to let my fears and insecurities and memories of how I used to be treated flood my brain causing me to overthink and start nit picking and causing issues were there are none. However he does need to work on opening up to me more and in the past two weeks I am starting to see it and I just need to be patient. Just like he wants me to change my negative thinking – it is not something I can do overnight and neither can he.
My teeth saga continues. I got all those implants done but I still need some root canals, crowns and a bridge. I need $5250. I have $1010.00 lol so I am trying to find part-time work, sell stuff on Ebay, work on survey sites where I can earn cash, using apps like gigwalk or easy shift, trying to get back on stuff I already need to purchase, and take any odd jobs I find on Craigslist. Then after that is done I need $3000 to finish the bottom of my mouth. Then hopefully I am done beside normal routine stuff with the few real not touched teeth I have left.
I am finding it so hard to update my resume and find another job at night or weekends working in an office or hell with fluorescent lighting like I call it. I know I could get a waitress job. But I hate people and at 36 not something I want to start doing. I am hoping I can find something a little more mindless or fun. Or at the minimum an office job that doesn’t require much brain function. My other option is to try to get a job with a Hilton or affiliate around here, I will probable make that a career because where we plan on moving to in Vermont is a ski area with tons of hotels and resorts so I can work seasonally and get travel perks too
I also need to really focus and start working my Perfectly Posh side business. Perfectly Posh is a naturally based line of pampering skin care products and they have absolutely changed my life. If you would like to check my site out here is the link, if you would like some samples comment or email me your info and I will mail some out. https://ilioness.po.sh
And at my family’s business I need to re focus and get back on track with reorganizing, cleaning up the books, and day to day operations. All while building a training manual so I don’t forget anything when I finally hire someone. I am hoping my last day here is in August the Friday before the business closes for a week, that way I get my vacation pay and can leave on a high note and a week off before my next chapter begins.
My work life deserves a whole other blog post, I’ll do that when I leave maybe so it will be like closure – officially putting this place behind me.
I will be updating the References pages soon so stay tuned!