Wishing I Wasn’t


I am at a time in my life where I am so unhappy and so extremely lonely that I often find myself saying ” I Wish I was DEAD” and that is NOT a threat of suicide.  Just the general feeling I have.  So I am not sitting here thinking of ways to end my life, trust me. But I am struggling with this – I have had anxiety and depression MOST of my life.  Probably a lot longer than when first diagnosed.

But I had parents too worried about fighting with one another – verbally and physically and cheating, drinking, drugging. Too busy to realize that it was not normal for a 3-4 year old to be so upset about not doing something she was told that she sat on the floor hysterically crying hyperventilating and banging her head into the cabinet repeatedly.  I needed help then and 30 years later I still do.

It was not until I was 12 or 13 in Middle School and they were finally divorcing and  ending it for good (something I asked them to do far too many times from the age of 6).  At that time it was very stressful for me, ratting my Mom out for her illegal activities while having Custody of me so my Dad would win the case.  Choosing a parent is terrible  – especially when the one you want to choose is the not the one you have to choose.  I took the initiative and told a teacher I was pretty close to that I needed someone to talk to and they immediately brought me to one of the guidance counselors.  That was probably the best thing I ever did for myself, the counseling helped tremendously – for a time.

Fast forward 30 years: on and off therapy and medications from 12 to say 25, intermittent meds after that for a few more years.  And then suddenly at the lowest point of my life I stopped getting any help and since then I keep saying I need to call, make an appointment but always seemed to run into an obstacle or just simply failed to follow through and find a doctor and make the appointment and get help. WHY? Why when I know what I need to do to feel better do I not do it? Is it because I don’t want to feel better? I don’t think that is the case because all I do is think about my “good times”.  Or am I actually suicidal and don’t know it? I am scared to find out or read the “signs” of suicidal tendencies.  I don’t feel suicidal, I just don’t know.

Now here I am! Lonely, full of anxiety and dread, unhappy in every sense and literally ready to lay down and die, like hope I don’t wake up the next morning feeling.

I have health insurance through the ACA and now it’s time to stop procrastinating (see earlier posts from the week – more on that there) and find a PCP and get the authorization and find a psychologist/psychiatrist and get myself help, help that I desparately need immediately.  Because just like 30 years ago no one around me seems to realize the downward spiral of depression I have been on.

Thank you as always for being here and reading a small part of my story.  Any and all comments and feedback welcome.

Till the next post (which I will try to make fun or positive)





4 thoughts on “Wishing I Wasn’t

  1. It’s reasonable to wish you never born. Never being born means never needing happiness and never having the capacity to suffer. What could be better than that?

    I read a lot in suicide communities. The desire to die generally stems from the desire not to exist, not to experience anything. Does this fit you? Tell me honestly – is the idea of your consciousness completely erased appealing to you?

    I’m not against people kill themselves. I think suicide is a right. But people should be aware of the philosophical implications of it. If you want any more reading material let me know.


  2. *hugs* I’m in an okay place at the moment but I’ve been there. I’m not sure where I’d be without citalopram.

    I know that for me, talking about it to family and friends was awful. Their concern and confusion (because how can anyone without anxiety or depression know how we feel?) was just another burden, even more emotional baggage that made me feel even worse about myself. So if it would help to talk to an almost-stranger, I’m available any time (anna.m.kaling@gmail.com).

    Liked by 1 person

    1. *hugs* received and much appreciated. My family is the sane or crazy nothing in between type so never was hope there lol. Thank you so very much, not just empty words – I mean it , this means alot to me and I may take you up on that offer very soon! Well wishes to you for today.

      Liked by 1 person

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