Overwhelmed and Learning…

I was swearing this was the week I was going to get my groove back at work and with my personal affairs and side business.  Well the universe had other ideas.

My boyfriends sister passed away unexpectedly and he was having a rough week. I  just worried about him and going right to him from work and just being there in whatever way I could.  And that means putting my personal needs to the side. But you do what you have to for the ones you love. And I still could not manage to keep my personal shit to myself during this time and I feel like he resents me a little for it now.

This week I am struggling in the deep end of the pool. I’m not very depressed but it is starting and anxiety never leaves me it is just a matter of when and why. I suffer from anxiety and depression ALL my life.  It wasn’t addressed until at the age of 12 when I asked for help in school. You would think someone would have noticed it was not normal as a 4/5-year-old kid to bang my head in the wall and cry when I was upset about getting in trouble or something I did wrong or if I was upset about something and could not articulate it. Not my family.

It took me until say 5 years ago to START realizing that I am not as crazy as I sometimes I feel. That my family while they are not bad people, are narcissistic and that the way I was brought up by them is why I am the way I am. And in the past year since I have been with my bf, I have realized so much more, I almost feel really stupid that I had not gotten it before.  But I have to remember I could not figure this out as a child and that I have now and I can move forward.

I keep saying how good my bf has been for me – it is true – he grasped my soul and began soothing it almost immediately – without even trying.

We are having some small hiccups right now , probably mostly my fault. He is not emotional at all and I am overly emotional.  And I had horrible piece of shit relationships the last one 2 years the previous 10. So it is super easy to let my fears and insecurities and memories of how I used to be treated flood my brain causing me to overthink and start nit picking and causing issues were there are none.  However he does need to work on opening up to me more and in the past two weeks I am starting to see it and I just need to be patient. Just like he wants me to change my negative thinking – it is not something I can do overnight and neither can he.

My teeth saga continues.  I got all those implants done but I still need some root canals, crowns and a bridge.  I need $5250.  I have $1010.00 lol so I am trying to find part-time work, sell stuff on Ebay, work on survey sites where I can earn cash, using apps like gigwalk or easy shift, trying to get back on stuff I already need to purchase, and take any odd jobs I find on Craigslist.  Then after that is done I need $3000 to finish the bottom of my mouth. Then hopefully I am done beside normal routine stuff with the few real not touched teeth I have left.

I am finding it so hard to update my resume and find another job at night or weekends working in an office or hell with fluorescent lighting like I call it.  I know I could get a waitress job. But I hate people and at 36 not something I want to start doing. I am hoping I can find something a little more mindless or fun.  Or at the minimum an office job that doesn’t require much brain function. My other option is to try to get a job with a Hilton or affiliate around here, I will probable make that a career because where we plan on moving to in Vermont is a ski area with tons of hotels and resorts so I can work seasonally and get travel perks too

I also need to really focus and start working my Perfectly Posh side business.  Perfectly Posh is a naturally based line of pampering skin care products and they have absolutely changed my life.  If you would like to check my site out here is the link, if you would like some samples comment or email me your info and I will mail some out.  https://ilioness.po.sh 

And at my family’s business I need to re focus and get back on track with reorganizing, cleaning up the books, and day to day operations.  All while building a training manual so I don’t forget anything when I finally hire someone.  I am hoping my last day here is in August the Friday before the business closes for a week, that way I get my vacation pay and can leave on a high note and a week off before my next chapter begins.

My work life deserves a whole other blog post, I’ll do that when I leave maybe so it will be like closure – officially putting this place behind me.

 

I will be updating the References pages soon so stay tuned!

 

 

 

 

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I have returned from the Matrix!

I finally saw The Matrix movie a couple of months ago prompted by my boyfriend who believes lol.  That is the only reason I chose that as my title of my long awaited return post/

Where have I been you ask? LIVING – like for real, I never lived like I have this past year.  Shortly before I did my last naughty little blog post I started “talking” to someone.  He is someone I know from high school and while we were friendly kinda we were not friends and did not know much about each other at all.  He has hit me up on facebook like 4-5 in the past 5 years or so and it was just never the right time for me and honestly thought it was weird and had no curiosity whatsoever.

{Side note: I feel like you only know what the term “talking” means if you are and 80’s baby}

As I may have discussed previously the past ten years or so have been through hell generally and in the relationship department.

But you know how they say things happen for a reason? Well Donald Dump running for President facilitated me finding my soulmate and truly beginning living my life.  We both hate him and our Facebook friendship began developing over our posts regarding the situation.  It seemed most people we know felt the opposite so it sorta became me and him battling it out politically on Facebook with everyone else.

Then January 2017 he proposed lets get together and smoke some pot soon. We conversated a bit and flirted some on messenger that month.  Then early February messaged me to hang out and I ignored it lol.  Then on Valentines Day he messaged me, we xhatted for a minute then he texted me a vday poem about ending white supremacy together hahahahaha.

We started texting that day and a week later I invited him over to smoke, I was nervous he was mad casual. The heavy flirting started immediately. From that day I could not believe how easy it was between us.  It scared me I thought I was imagining things, wishful thinking, dreaming – all of it.

Fast forward today, we are a couple, we are happy, we are in love.  We are moving to Vermont in the Fall/Winter.  It is genuine and true and everything I have ever wanted in a life partner, life long love affair.  I never see my life without him in it.

He has been amazing for my mind, body and soul! He ahs taught me to be happy with my body, how to let go of the negativity in my life, to stand up for myself, to face my fears and anxiety, to create goals and most importantly how to be loved.

We are so alike , we love so much of the same things and love sharing individual likes with one another. We love learning about each other and learning new things together. We love to relax, eat, travel and love.

I am finally really in a place to develop my writing and I am setting aside time once a week to blog so stay tuned 🙂

 

Everything gets in the way!!!

YAY!!! I actually did it (patting myself on the back).  After my house work, errands and a shower of course. But here I am,   I opened the computer and immediately started this new post! This is big for me. Normally I would open WP then open Gmail and start mindlessly going through emails. Then the OCD hits me and I will stop that and open some mail but not actually take any action, just pile it up.

My whole point of this post is why I can’t seem to get into a groove.  And my reasons, feelings – excuses, whatever they are!!!

I suffer from Anxiety and Depression for 20+ years.  So sometimes I flat out CANNOT bring myself to set up my work space and write or even doing everything but write. So I watch my shows.

So then the next day I will be gung-ho ready to go but something unavoidable will come up and then I get pissed off because now ” it’s too late” to get anything going. But that is a lie and I know it! I am up till 1 or 2 am anyway. I fester on how I let someone else’s needs come before mine.  And while that is true, I need to actually start putting mine first, not just saying I need to!  Right?  Duh! (slaps head). So what your night did not go as planned and now it is 11pm? You wanna write? Write RIGHT now!

Then there are the times when I have ideas flowing all day – making notes (mental and written), developing character traits and ties to the plot line. And I open up my notes, my laptop and I am stuck! This happens more often than not.  It is like I psych myself out and then instead of remembering my earlier thought process I just think to myself-  it all sucks anyway, no-one will want to read you. From there it is a pity party and I am the host!

Earlier I mentioned Obsessive Compulsive Disorder or OCD.  I want to address that.  Maybe clarify.  I have never discussed with a doctor or been diagnosed by a doctor.  I guess I have OCD tendencies in my own opinion.  Maybe I should seek a professional opinion.  I don’t know.  What I do know is that I do not want to offend anyone who is diagnosed and suffers from OCD in any form. It can be mild, mostly unnoticeable or severe and debilitating.  I am not just claiming to have a serious ailment for attention.  I just like to be open and honest about myself and my feelings and thoughts.  And I feel that I do have some OCD behaviors.

Want to hear one of my most RIDICULOUS reasons I don’t get to write.  It seems like I subliminally punish myself so that if I make a goal publicly and don’t stick to it I almost won’t let myself do it the next day.  I say to myself oh you missed yesterday’s post goal, now you look like a bigger loser than before.  SO I compound the situation by not writing, again. Feeling worse I do it again the next day and so on.  That is why it is 12 days since my last post rather than like I promised! (Ugh loserrr).  This is something I am trying to immediately change about myself.

I must stop this endless cycle of bad thoughts about my writing the bad habit of not writing.  Right now it is for me and if I want to get good I have to stick to the basics. Read, write, edit, read your own stuff, read, edit, write, read, write, write, read, read your own stuff, write, read, write etc

Does it seem like I am being harsh on myself? GOODIE that is what I am going for.  I have to confront what I know is holding me back.  That is the only way I can break free of this shell and grow. Grow as a human, a woman, a writer.

No promises except for see you soon {I hope…}

Thanks for listening!

Here is where I am at – Today.

Been having a down week.

Home life is to say the least, HARD, emotionally.

To explain the whole story of what has me upset since yesterday would be boring and quite long to type.  Bottom line is arguing with my uncle over the dishwasher being on and each of us having to take showers and being told – “From now on ASK to take a shower before you do”. And I was floored!!!

You see I grew up next door to him and lived in the same house since 13.  This is not a new living arrangement. We were quite close.  WERE. Things have been escalating for a long time. And getting more volatile almost daily.  This new thing of his, telling me what to do and how to do it – OH NO I need to end this soon.

You see I work for my Uncle and Dad.  We all live in the same house with their Mother, my Grandmother.  Daily for the last 5 out of 8 years I WAIT for him in the mornings.  He takes an hour to do nothing when I wake him. (Yea I wake him up like his Mommy for his own business.  He is almost 15 years older.)  I used to sit in the car and wait but now I make coffee at home and bring breakfast and lunch.  After a few months into this new routine I realized I could just sit on the couch and relax, get a ten minute cat nap in @ 8:40 a.m.

So about a month ago I was kinda rushing him on bequest of my Dad because of a new employee.  He was deliberately stalling minutes at a time on purpose.  When he came up and saw me laying on the ottoman, he was hostile! He said “if your gonna fucking rush me then you better be outside in the car waiting” I was SHOCKED.   {Sorry for all the capital words I am in a mood)

I have tried to reach out to him on numerous occasions and work on things but he seems to think I am the aggressor and I treat him badly and when I point out various things he does that are mean and nasty, he tells me I take things to heart.  Well yea duh I have one. And I am told by many people its a big one, sorry don’t mean to brag. But I  Swear sometimes I think his is locked up.

Maybe to you my readers this seems frivolous.  And I get that.  I guess you need to know more about our relationship and it’s decline. [Hint hint – guess you better stick around for more info) But I think these things go against basic respect for another person – especially a close family member.

I choose not to elaborate any more right now because I am so hurt and angry from the incident yesterday to something else that happened today that I fear if I go on I will go off on too many tangents and begin to sound a little too far out there.

Please share thoughts and insights – good or bad all is welcome and appreciated. And any sharing you do is too!

Thank you for listening and please keep on keeping on with me, I am working to at least get one post out a week and maybe start adding some other Pages type content for your viewing pleasure.

Any suggestions – anything you want to hear about or hear more about – let me know 🙂

Do I have a Purpose?

Purpose

Often I find my inner me saying you have a bigger purpose in life than you think.  But what that is I am not completely sure.  Saving animals, saving the oceans, helping abused kids, inventing something or discovering something. Or all of those things and then some?

Who knows? Will anyone ever know? How will I know when it hits me, will it be a “AA HA” this is what I am meant to do or a long and tedious build up to the inevitable.  I feel like I could be Multi Purpose. That possibly one thing will build into many.  And in the end I can say it was my lifelong work that I didn’t know I was doing until I knew.

The past few weeks and have been good and bad but I can feel the changes coming on – you  may know them too. Those times when you have been so miserable for so long and then one day you realize you are feeling different  – maybe a bit more optimistic and not as sad. SO could it be another part of the build up?

Stick around and find out what happens next as I start to crawl out of the hole I have been in. I will appreciate every like, comment or follow. And I promise to make more of an effort with my online interacting.  Thank You for reading. Nite all

RWE Quote Purpose

Then I find this amazing quote and my whole thought process on the subject is now in knots 😦

 

 

 

{WP The Daily Post Daily Writing Prompts}