Everything gets in the way!!!

YAY!!! I actually did it (patting myself on the back).  After my house work, errands and a shower of course. But here I am,   I opened the computer and immediately started this new post! This is big for me. Normally I would open WP then open Gmail and start mindlessly going through emails. Then the OCD hits me and I will stop that and open some mail but not actually take any action, just pile it up.

My whole point of this post is why I can’t seem to get into a groove.  And my reasons, feelings – excuses, whatever they are!!!

I suffer from Anxiety and Depression for 20+ years.  So sometimes I flat out CANNOT bring myself to set up my work space and write or even doing everything but write. So I watch my shows.

So then the next day I will be gung-ho ready to go but something unavoidable will come up and then I get pissed off because now ” it’s too late” to get anything going. But that is a lie and I know it! I am up till 1 or 2 am anyway. I fester on how I let someone else’s needs come before mine.  And while that is true, I need to actually start putting mine first, not just saying I need to!  Right?  Duh! (slaps head). So what your night did not go as planned and now it is 11pm? You wanna write? Write RIGHT now!

Then there are the times when I have ideas flowing all day – making notes (mental and written), developing character traits and ties to the plot line. And I open up my notes, my laptop and I am stuck! This happens more often than not.  It is like I psych myself out and then instead of remembering my earlier thought process I just think to myself-  it all sucks anyway, no-one will want to read you. From there it is a pity party and I am the host!

Earlier I mentioned Obsessive Compulsive Disorder or OCD.  I want to address that.  Maybe clarify.  I have never discussed with a doctor or been diagnosed by a doctor.  I guess I have OCD tendencies in my own opinion.  Maybe I should seek a professional opinion.  I don’t know.  What I do know is that I do not want to offend anyone who is diagnosed and suffers from OCD in any form. It can be mild, mostly unnoticeable or severe and debilitating.  I am not just claiming to have a serious ailment for attention.  I just like to be open and honest about myself and my feelings and thoughts.  And I feel that I do have some OCD behaviors.

Want to hear one of my most RIDICULOUS reasons I don’t get to write.  It seems like I subliminally punish myself so that if I make a goal publicly and don’t stick to it I almost won’t let myself do it the next day.  I say to myself oh you missed yesterday’s post goal, now you look like a bigger loser than before.  SO I compound the situation by not writing, again. Feeling worse I do it again the next day and so on.  That is why it is 12 days since my last post rather than like I promised! (Ugh loserrr).  This is something I am trying to immediately change about myself.

I must stop this endless cycle of bad thoughts about my writing the bad habit of not writing.  Right now it is for me and if I want to get good I have to stick to the basics. Read, write, edit, read your own stuff, read, edit, write, read, write, write, read, read your own stuff, write, read, write etc

Does it seem like I am being harsh on myself? GOODIE that is what I am going for.  I have to confront what I know is holding me back.  That is the only way I can break free of this shell and grow. Grow as a human, a woman, a writer.

No promises except for see you soon {I hope…}

Thanks for listening!

Here is where I am at – Today.

Been having a down week.

Home life is to say the least, HARD, emotionally.

To explain the whole story of what has me upset since yesterday would be boring and quite long to type.  Bottom line is arguing with my uncle over the dishwasher being on and each of us having to take showers and being told – “From now on ASK to take a shower before you do”. And I was floored!!!

You see I grew up next door to him and lived in the same house since 13.  This is not a new living arrangement. We were quite close.  WERE. Things have been escalating for a long time. And getting more volatile almost daily.  This new thing of his, telling me what to do and how to do it – OH NO I need to end this soon.

You see I work for my Uncle and Dad.  We all live in the same house with their Mother, my Grandmother.  Daily for the last 5 out of 8 years I WAIT for him in the mornings.  He takes an hour to do nothing when I wake him. (Yea I wake him up like his Mommy for his own business.  He is almost 15 years older.)  I used to sit in the car and wait but now I make coffee at home and bring breakfast and lunch.  After a few months into this new routine I realized I could just sit on the couch and relax, get a ten minute cat nap in @ 8:40 a.m.

So about a month ago I was kinda rushing him on bequest of my Dad because of a new employee.  He was deliberately stalling minutes at a time on purpose.  When he came up and saw me laying on the ottoman, he was hostile! He said “if your gonna fucking rush me then you better be outside in the car waiting” I was SHOCKED.   {Sorry for all the capital words I am in a mood)

I have tried to reach out to him on numerous occasions and work on things but he seems to think I am the aggressor and I treat him badly and when I point out various things he does that are mean and nasty, he tells me I take things to heart.  Well yea duh I have one. And I am told by many people its a big one, sorry don’t mean to brag. But I  Swear sometimes I think his is locked up.

Maybe to you my readers this seems frivolous.  And I get that.  I guess you need to know more about our relationship and it’s decline. [Hint hint – guess you better stick around for more info) But I think these things go against basic respect for another person – especially a close family member.

I choose not to elaborate any more right now because I am so hurt and angry from the incident yesterday to something else that happened today that I fear if I go on I will go off on too many tangents and begin to sound a little too far out there.

Please share thoughts and insights – good or bad all is welcome and appreciated. And any sharing you do is too!

Thank you for listening and please keep on keeping on with me, I am working to at least get one post out a week and maybe start adding some other Pages type content for your viewing pleasure.

Any suggestions – anything you want to hear about or hear more about – let me know 🙂

Do I have a Purpose?

Purpose

Often I find my inner me saying you have a bigger purpose in life than you think.  But what that is I am not completely sure.  Saving animals, saving the oceans, helping abused kids, inventing something or discovering something. Or all of those things and then some?

Who knows? Will anyone ever know? How will I know when it hits me, will it be a “AA HA” this is what I am meant to do or a long and tedious build up to the inevitable.  I feel like I could be Multi Purpose. That possibly one thing will build into many.  And in the end I can say it was my lifelong work that I didn’t know I was doing until I knew.

The past few weeks and have been good and bad but I can feel the changes coming on – you  may know them too. Those times when you have been so miserable for so long and then one day you realize you are feeling different  – maybe a bit more optimistic and not as sad. SO could it be another part of the build up?

Stick around and find out what happens next as I start to crawl out of the hole I have been in. I will appreciate every like, comment or follow. And I promise to make more of an effort with my online interacting.  Thank You for reading. Nite all

RWE Quote Purpose

Then I find this amazing quote and my whole thought process on the subject is now in knots 😦

 

 

 

{WP The Daily Post Daily Writing Prompts}