Overwhelmed and Learning…

I was swearing this was the week I was going to get my groove back at work and with my personal affairs and side business.  Well the universe had other ideas.

My boyfriends sister passed away unexpectedly and he was having a rough week. I  just worried about him and going right to him from work and just being there in whatever way I could.  And that means putting my personal needs to the side. But you do what you have to for the ones you love. And I still could not manage to keep my personal shit to myself during this time and I feel like he resents me a little for it now.

This week I am struggling in the deep end of the pool. I’m not very depressed but it is starting and anxiety never leaves me it is just a matter of when and why. I suffer from anxiety and depression ALL my life.  It wasn’t addressed until at the age of 12 when I asked for help in school. You would think someone would have noticed it was not normal as a 4/5-year-old kid to bang my head in the wall and cry when I was upset about getting in trouble or something I did wrong or if I was upset about something and could not articulate it. Not my family.

It took me until say 5 years ago to START realizing that I am not as crazy as I sometimes I feel. That my family while they are not bad people, are narcissistic and that the way I was brought up by them is why I am the way I am. And in the past year since I have been with my bf, I have realized so much more, I almost feel really stupid that I had not gotten it before.  But I have to remember I could not figure this out as a child and that I have now and I can move forward.

I keep saying how good my bf has been for me – it is true – he grasped my soul and began soothing it almost immediately – without even trying.

We are having some small hiccups right now , probably mostly my fault. He is not emotional at all and I am overly emotional.  And I had horrible piece of shit relationships the last one 2 years the previous 10. So it is super easy to let my fears and insecurities and memories of how I used to be treated flood my brain causing me to overthink and start nit picking and causing issues were there are none.  However he does need to work on opening up to me more and in the past two weeks I am starting to see it and I just need to be patient. Just like he wants me to change my negative thinking – it is not something I can do overnight and neither can he.

My teeth saga continues.  I got all those implants done but I still need some root canals, crowns and a bridge.  I need $5250.  I have $1010.00 lol so I am trying to find part-time work, sell stuff on Ebay, work on survey sites where I can earn cash, using apps like gigwalk or easy shift, trying to get back on stuff I already need to purchase, and take any odd jobs I find on Craigslist.  Then after that is done I need $3000 to finish the bottom of my mouth. Then hopefully I am done beside normal routine stuff with the few real not touched teeth I have left.

I am finding it so hard to update my resume and find another job at night or weekends working in an office or hell with fluorescent lighting like I call it.  I know I could get a waitress job. But I hate people and at 36 not something I want to start doing. I am hoping I can find something a little more mindless or fun.  Or at the minimum an office job that doesn’t require much brain function. My other option is to try to get a job with a Hilton or affiliate around here, I will probable make that a career because where we plan on moving to in Vermont is a ski area with tons of hotels and resorts so I can work seasonally and get travel perks too

I also need to really focus and start working my Perfectly Posh side business.  Perfectly Posh is a naturally based line of pampering skin care products and they have absolutely changed my life.  If you would like to check my site out here is the link, if you would like some samples comment or email me your info and I will mail some out.  https://ilioness.po.sh 

And at my family’s business I need to re focus and get back on track with reorganizing, cleaning up the books, and day to day operations.  All while building a training manual so I don’t forget anything when I finally hire someone.  I am hoping my last day here is in August the Friday before the business closes for a week, that way I get my vacation pay and can leave on a high note and a week off before my next chapter begins.

My work life deserves a whole other blog post, I’ll do that when I leave maybe so it will be like closure – officially putting this place behind me.

 

I will be updating the References pages soon so stay tuned!

 

 

 

 

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Love was in the air?

I had such a wonderful Valentine’s Day. I was showered with love and treated to an amazing romantic dinner at my favorite fine dining restaurant.  I was lavished with flowers, candy and diamonds.  Love for me was profoundly professed.

NOT…

I am Single and that was just a dream lol.  My day consisted of not remembering it was even Valentine’s Day. Subliminal avoidance maybe?  Headed to work and tried to get and stay focused on the year end tasks.

After work I went to see a man about some teeth. Ha Ha get it – like going to see a man about a dog, I don’t know my Gram used to say that all the time when she would ask where I was going.  It was a man – a Dental Lab Technician who is helping to orchestrate a very costly and long overdue restoration of my mouth.  If you didn’t know me you may think I am a Meth addict or never brushed my teeth once in my life – neither of which is true.

On the way from there I had to stop at CVS for last minute V-Day gifts for family – none of whom even said hey thank you.  But I did get Roses and a card from Dad, my aunt gave me Godiva Chocolates and a Cat Post It Dispenser with a scratch off I won $5 on.  My Gram is bed ridden and no one (including me, so not can’t bitch too much) thought to ask if she wanted us to go get her stuff to give.  My uncle got me more Godiva Chocolates and a Stuffed Lion ( I am a Leo).

From there King Kullen to get a can of biscuits and then home to serve dinner.  Beef Stew from the Crock Pot.  Prepped veggies and meat the night before at midnight while having a cup of coffee and then was able to toss it all in and set it and forget it until I got home.  It was pretty good – I will make some tweeks to my recipe for next time though.

After dinner I went to my favorite dollar store which now a days $1 stores have way more than just $0.99 stuff.  Of course when I have $ the 50 things I pass all the time and say I am gonna buy one day when I have a little extra, were all gone.

Back home to do a little more cleaning and organizing in the kitchen and then headed up to my floor to do my own dishes, feed Bubba and shower.

I had some plans to write this last night but my niece bugged me to watch Criminal Minds with her and I can’t write with her in the room.  She watches the show but doesn’t pay attention then asks 100 questions about what happened. So annoying.

I was so emotional out of nowhere though last night.  All of a sudden I busted out in tears over something silly, but obviously something in my sub concisous was nawing at me – but what I don’t know exactly. Loneliness on Valentine’s Day, Anxiety about this dental procedure, overall stress and worry- or a combo?

About this teeth thing – I have 20 teeth in my mouth.  Adults should have 32. 6 have to be pulled and three are Crowns.  So technically 11 real 3 fake. Ugh. This has been an ongoing issue all of my life – bad genetics combined with pounds of candy as a child and parents to distracted to properly teach and stay on top of my mouth hygiene.  And then once I got my first job at 13 my Dad had me start paying for my own dental work so a $300 filling took me three months to pay off and that is how it went for the next 20 years on and off with a dentist start work go each week make payments then stop for a while to give my mouth and wallet a break and then there was new stuff to go bad.  Never ever ends and I kind of gave up after the last guy basically stole $350.00 of mine. I was making pre-payments for a Crown.  Then when I go to get it done finally he told me that I used the $350 for temporaries and an argument ensued,  he made the temporary wrong the first time and it fell out after 48 hours, went back had it redone and it was still uneven causing it to fall out a week later and then finally on the third try it kept.  So four months later when I went back and he told me that I was SOL because I never got a receipt and he never said that he was charging me for temporaries or I would have addressed it at that time.  So at that point I had to start saving again and when I finally went back the tooth was cracked and had to be pulled.  This was the second dentist in four years that gave me prices and a schedule and then found some way to legally back out of out agreement.  It is so frustrating.

So my Dad came into some money and a client of his offered me a wholesale restoration deal – $45k of work for $22k.  My mouth will be healthy and complete when this process ends in 6 months or so and then maybe I can start life over. 10 Impants and 18 Crowns later. I have been so self concscious that it has kept me from reconnecting with old friends, trying to make new ones, get out and date and I have hardly smiled in a picture in years.  Even laughing in public I have to control so my mouth doesn’t open more than a little. I would be mortified if anyone got a glimpse into this disgusting mouth.

teeth
I know most people reading aren’t dentists but you can get a general idea of how terrible my mouth is and how empty it looks 😦

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Plowing a new path. Ryan Lochte.

Hey Y’All (lol)

Not to brag (ok it will not seem like anything worth bragging about) but I started the gym yesterday. And I want to go and it feels good to hurt so bad lol.  Two days  of cardio, tomorrow I will do some machines for upper body.  Hopefully I don’t look like a jerk since it has been a long time since I have used machines in a gym. Figuring out the adjustments on some of the bikes is hard enough. I’m exaggerating but still took me like 2 minutes too long.  Trying to go the whole week get a great kickoff then rest Saturday and Sunday then the following week still mostly cardio but adding exercises and just generally trying to get in a groove. And I shopped before hand and marinated some butterflied chicken breasts in organic sesame ginger stuff.  Got home and cooked them in the oven, sauteed a fancy zuchinni and tomatoe with some butter and garlic and oil ( I know baby steps) and had five halves of simply boiled baby red potatoes.  It was pretty good.  The marinade was overpowering the chicken but I think that was because they were so thin and just lapped it up.  Last night I had a meal delivered from Munchery.  North Carolina Pulled Pork.  That story will be part of a different post – coming soon.

I went out of my comfort zone and watched a (gasp) MOVIE!  I really am not a movie person for some reason. I am a TV junkie, primetime {on dvr never live}  and animal, wildlife, nature, law enforcement shows to name a few.  I have watched movies and love some movies but rarely do I watch one through.  Occasionally I will watch bits of an old movie if I pass it while channel surfing because the dvr is empty.  But I had a 99 cent rental from Amazon for Precious which was on my watchlist.  I am glad I did. I watched half last night and the rest just now. This movie is right up my alley.  Great story and superb acting and producing in my opinion.  Real life story on the big screen. Hits a little close to home because the mother generally speaking shows behavior reminiscent of someone close, figuratively close not near and dear close.  And NO it is not my mother. But that is a topic deserving of a full post – or maybe 7! I could easily talk that much about the sad situation.

OK can I vent about something.   I really hate that RYAN LOCHTE is on DWTS and being treated so nice after the stunt he pulled in Rio.  Its like it didn’t even happen.  Yea he lost some deals and endorsement but I am sure it will not be long before he gets more because of any negaitve publicity. He disgraced the US by blaming locals of robbing him and made a spectacle of it.  Bullshit! He should have lost his medal.  It really makes me mad.  So yea I put him in my title.  I think I will use his name to maybe hopefully get myself some publicity.

I have also been trying to stay active with other things like cleaning up this disaster of a room little by little. Keeping on top of dishes and laundry.  Started organizing some drawers.  I have a nice size bin of stuff for the homeless or those otherwise less fortunate.   I keep it in my trunk in case I run into anyone in need of something when I am out and about. I had my car cleaned and detailed two weeks ago and am trying hard to keep it clean inside.  I had an oil change but I need some other things looked at so I need to start putting away for that for a few weeks.  My next step is to make one night to post at least 30 items on OfferUp & Close5 and ebay for Sale.  I have 30 dvd’s if I can sell them $3 each that is $90 and a heck of a start.

My normal routine was go to work, go home cook eat clean up, feed furbabies, take shower (usually ten other random things in between) and then “get settled” watching tv doing my writing, survey taking, product reviewing, reward collecting or whatever else comes up.  Now I work, stop home to work out dinner situation, change and head to the gym. Come home eat alone talkin to Gran and switch any laundry if appilicable and then feed my cat and take a nice shower.  And I am using my good face soap and trying to slowly learn to take care of myself and pamper myself a little more. And wanting to do it and feeling good doing it.

So this is me plowing a new path however slowly it may be. I am just trying to keep on keeping on.

As always thanks for making it this far and if you have it will be Wednesday morning or day sometime.  I am trying something different.  I post so late I feel like no one that follows me sees me in Reader by the next day. My last post got nothing zilch zippo lol.  So I am setting this to publish around the same time I get up for work.  8ish. I can’t say when I wake up because that is like 5-6.

Comments welcome and btw that gave me an idea – Comment/Conversation Policy coming soon.

See Ya,

Sab