Love was in the air?

I had such a wonderful Valentine’s Day. I was showered with love and treated to an amazing romantic dinner at my favorite fine dining restaurant.  I was lavished with flowers, candy and diamonds.  Love for me was profoundly professed.

NOT…

I am Single and that was just a dream lol.  My day consisted of not remembering it was even Valentine’s Day. Subliminal avoidance maybe?  Headed to work and tried to get and stay focused on the year end tasks.

After work I went to see a man about some teeth. Ha Ha get it – like going to see a man about a dog, I don’t know my Gram used to say that all the time when she would ask where I was going.  It was a man – a Dental Lab Technician who is helping to orchestrate a very costly and long overdue restoration of my mouth.  If you didn’t know me you may think I am a Meth addict or never brushed my teeth once in my life – neither of which is true.

On the way from there I had to stop at CVS for last minute V-Day gifts for family – none of whom even said hey thank you.  But I did get Roses and a card from Dad, my aunt gave me Godiva Chocolates and a Cat Post It Dispenser with a scratch off I won $5 on.  My Gram is bed ridden and no one (including me, so not can’t bitch too much) thought to ask if she wanted us to go get her stuff to give.  My uncle got me more Godiva Chocolates and a Stuffed Lion ( I am a Leo).

From there King Kullen to get a can of biscuits and then home to serve dinner.  Beef Stew from the Crock Pot.  Prepped veggies and meat the night before at midnight while having a cup of coffee and then was able to toss it all in and set it and forget it until I got home.  It was pretty good – I will make some tweeks to my recipe for next time though.

After dinner I went to my favorite dollar store which now a days $1 stores have way more than just $0.99 stuff.  Of course when I have $ the 50 things I pass all the time and say I am gonna buy one day when I have a little extra, were all gone.

Back home to do a little more cleaning and organizing in the kitchen and then headed up to my floor to do my own dishes, feed Bubba and shower.

I had some plans to write this last night but my niece bugged me to watch Criminal Minds with her and I can’t write with her in the room.  She watches the show but doesn’t pay attention then asks 100 questions about what happened. So annoying.

I was so emotional out of nowhere though last night.  All of a sudden I busted out in tears over something silly, but obviously something in my sub concisous was nawing at me – but what I don’t know exactly. Loneliness on Valentine’s Day, Anxiety about this dental procedure, overall stress and worry- or a combo?

About this teeth thing – I have 20 teeth in my mouth.  Adults should have 32. 6 have to be pulled and three are Crowns.  So technically 11 real 3 fake. Ugh. This has been an ongoing issue all of my life – bad genetics combined with pounds of candy as a child and parents to distracted to properly teach and stay on top of my mouth hygiene.  And then once I got my first job at 13 my Dad had me start paying for my own dental work so a $300 filling took me three months to pay off and that is how it went for the next 20 years on and off with a dentist start work go each week make payments then stop for a while to give my mouth and wallet a break and then there was new stuff to go bad.  Never ever ends and I kind of gave up after the last guy basically stole $350.00 of mine. I was making pre-payments for a Crown.  Then when I go to get it done finally he told me that I used the $350 for temporaries and an argument ensued,  he made the temporary wrong the first time and it fell out after 48 hours, went back had it redone and it was still uneven causing it to fall out a week later and then finally on the third try it kept.  So four months later when I went back and he told me that I was SOL because I never got a receipt and he never said that he was charging me for temporaries or I would have addressed it at that time.  So at that point I had to start saving again and when I finally went back the tooth was cracked and had to be pulled.  This was the second dentist in four years that gave me prices and a schedule and then found some way to legally back out of out agreement.  It is so frustrating.

So my Dad came into some money and a client of his offered me a wholesale restoration deal – $45k of work for $22k.  My mouth will be healthy and complete when this process ends in 6 months or so and then maybe I can start life over. 10 Impants and 18 Crowns later. I have been so self concscious that it has kept me from reconnecting with old friends, trying to make new ones, get out and date and I have hardly smiled in a picture in years.  Even laughing in public I have to control so my mouth doesn’t open more than a little. I would be mortified if anyone got a glimpse into this disgusting mouth.

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I know most people reading aren’t dentists but you can get a general idea of how terrible my mouth is and how empty it looks 😦

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A little bit of everything

So this will  be one of these all over the place posts – talking about a bunch of random stuff.  Cause hey why not?

LOLing to myself – I have watched soooo many episodes of The FBI Files that I am seeing actors who are playing a cop in one had been a dead guy in another or the killer now was a cop in an other episode or vice versa.  I have it on Amazon Fire Stick so I just let episodes play while I am doing stuff on computer or other stuff I am into it.  They are all true stories and it is good “research” for my book.  I don’t sit writing notes but sometimes I will jot down something that stands out or could be used as good inspiration.  I also watch Forensic Files for more technical information on evidence types, gathering etc…

I tried Hummus for the FIRST TIME.  I get a LoveWithFood subscription box full of delicious healthy snacks monthly.  One Box = Two Meals Help Fight Hunger in America!!!  Check the link out here: http://lovewithfood.com/invite?m=r&ref=3tkd   You will save 50% on your first box and by using the link I get the $10 credit – their way of paying it forward to the buyers! Write reviews on the site for each product get 50 points each product.  Redeem credit $ and points for Snacks from previous boxes.  It is  pretty sweet deal!  I got the Wild Garden Hummus To Go in my first box but did not try it until today.  Mainly because I do not like chick peas.  But I decided hey why not – if you don’t like it don’t eat it.  But it was not as bad as I thought.  I had the Sun Dried tomato flavor and ate it with Stonefire Garlic Naan Crisps. Not something I will always buy or eat, however another food to add to my tried it list!

I have been slowly but surely trying to change my eating habits and my thought process on food and drinks all together.  Slowly being the operative word.  4 out of 5 days of the work week I eat Lean Cuisine for lunch.  One day a week for Lunch then usually all three nights of the weekend (Sunday – only during Spring & Summers) I will eat out (usually Italian) but I try not to overeat.  That is way too much eating out. It is expensive and not that healthy most of the time.  I am going to cut out Sunday night and eat at home which is usually Macaroni or make my own healthier meal.  I bought a 2 Liter of Pepsi today but once it is gone I am going to limit myself to only two cans maximum a week.  Lastly I bought an Rove brand Infuser Water Bottle and some different fruits today.  I hardly drink water that is not making me coffee or ice tea lol.  So I am excited to try to get into the habit of drinking water using fruits for flavor 🙂 I got it all ready tonight so the water is really infused for tomorrow.  Just oranges for now – starting out basic.  I have strawberries, plums, apples and peaches for the rest of the week.

I am trying to decide if I am going to go to Florida next month when we close for vacation.  Can I let go of the anxiety of worrying about what may come in the mail at the shop while I am away or can I trust my dad won’t go get it until I return (Wednesday). Also deciding if I am gonna take my nieces with me.  I kinda want the company but I kinda want some alone time.  I mean I can always leave her and the baby at the hotel and do my own thing a few hours a day.  I have family and friends to see alone.   I want to go Big Cat Rescue that I never visited in the 4 years I lived in St. Petersburg FL and I miss Busch Gardens. Definitely want to go to Sawgrass Lake State Park as that is a location I am using in my book, plus it was one of my favorite places to go on the weekends to get out and enjoy the outdoors and wildlife.  Those are activities I want the company for and want the baby to experience.  It will be great to get some photos and new fresh memories to reach for while writing. I’ll grab a map of that whole region while I am there for reference.  So in the next few days I need to decide before prices go up.

I sorted through a lot of paperwork tonight. So that was productive. I got some laundry done today and did some grocery shopping so I have rations for the week. Breakfasts, Lunches, Snacks and Drinks.  Though I’m sure I will be at the grocery store again at least twice.  Always need something.

Got some catching up on Big Brother to do. See you during the week. Aiming for Wednesday or Thursday.

Share me. Comment anything.  Like me. Follow me. Dislike me even.  Whatever feels right. Thanks. Here is to you a Fast Monday


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Everything gets in the way!!!

YAY!!! I actually did it (patting myself on the back).  After my house work, errands and a shower of course. But here I am,   I opened the computer and immediately started this new post! This is big for me. Normally I would open WP then open Gmail and start mindlessly going through emails. Then the OCD hits me and I will stop that and open some mail but not actually take any action, just pile it up.

My whole point of this post is why I can’t seem to get into a groove.  And my reasons, feelings – excuses, whatever they are!!!

I suffer from Anxiety and Depression for 20+ years.  So sometimes I flat out CANNOT bring myself to set up my work space and write or even doing everything but write. So I watch my shows.

So then the next day I will be gung-ho ready to go but something unavoidable will come up and then I get pissed off because now ” it’s too late” to get anything going. But that is a lie and I know it! I am up till 1 or 2 am anyway. I fester on how I let someone else’s needs come before mine.  And while that is true, I need to actually start putting mine first, not just saying I need to!  Right?  Duh! (slaps head). So what your night did not go as planned and now it is 11pm? You wanna write? Write RIGHT now!

Then there are the times when I have ideas flowing all day – making notes (mental and written), developing character traits and ties to the plot line. And I open up my notes, my laptop and I am stuck! This happens more often than not.  It is like I psych myself out and then instead of remembering my earlier thought process I just think to myself-  it all sucks anyway, no-one will want to read you. From there it is a pity party and I am the host!

Earlier I mentioned Obsessive Compulsive Disorder or OCD.  I want to address that.  Maybe clarify.  I have never discussed with a doctor or been diagnosed by a doctor.  I guess I have OCD tendencies in my own opinion.  Maybe I should seek a professional opinion.  I don’t know.  What I do know is that I do not want to offend anyone who is diagnosed and suffers from OCD in any form. It can be mild, mostly unnoticeable or severe and debilitating.  I am not just claiming to have a serious ailment for attention.  I just like to be open and honest about myself and my feelings and thoughts.  And I feel that I do have some OCD behaviors.

Want to hear one of my most RIDICULOUS reasons I don’t get to write.  It seems like I subliminally punish myself so that if I make a goal publicly and don’t stick to it I almost won’t let myself do it the next day.  I say to myself oh you missed yesterday’s post goal, now you look like a bigger loser than before.  SO I compound the situation by not writing, again. Feeling worse I do it again the next day and so on.  That is why it is 12 days since my last post rather than like I promised! (Ugh loserrr).  This is something I am trying to immediately change about myself.

I must stop this endless cycle of bad thoughts about my writing the bad habit of not writing.  Right now it is for me and if I want to get good I have to stick to the basics. Read, write, edit, read your own stuff, read, edit, write, read, write, write, read, read your own stuff, write, read, write etc

Does it seem like I am being harsh on myself? GOODIE that is what I am going for.  I have to confront what I know is holding me back.  That is the only way I can break free of this shell and grow. Grow as a human, a woman, a writer.

No promises except for see you soon {I hope…}

Thanks for listening!

“Calm Down”

I     HATE     THOSE     WORDS….

Normal people may not mind it but people who suffers from depression and anxiety and the anger/rage that comes with those illnesses, absolutely abhor that phrase.

If I could in fact “calm down” it would be unnecessary for you to tell me to do so.  And I am not in the state I am because I want to be or choose to be.

No matter how many times you explain to some people that its very hard to be told THAT , there are many who feel that mental illness is not an illness/disease, they believe that you choose to feel the way we do.

#MentalIllnessIsReal

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Wishing I Wasn’t

HERE –  ON EARTH, SOMETIMES I WISH I WAS DEAD

I am at a time in my life where I am so unhappy and so extremely lonely that I often find myself saying ” I Wish I was DEAD” and that is NOT a threat of suicide.  Just the general feeling I have.  So I am not sitting here thinking of ways to end my life, trust me. But I am struggling with this – I have had anxiety and depression MOST of my life.  Probably a lot longer than when first diagnosed.

But I had parents too worried about fighting with one another – verbally and physically and cheating, drinking, drugging. Too busy to realize that it was not normal for a 3-4 year old to be so upset about not doing something she was told that she sat on the floor hysterically crying hyperventilating and banging her head into the cabinet repeatedly.  I needed help then and 30 years later I still do.

It was not until I was 12 or 13 in Middle School and they were finally divorcing and  ending it for good (something I asked them to do far too many times from the age of 6).  At that time it was very stressful for me, ratting my Mom out for her illegal activities while having Custody of me so my Dad would win the case.  Choosing a parent is terrible  – especially when the one you want to choose is the not the one you have to choose.  I took the initiative and told a teacher I was pretty close to that I needed someone to talk to and they immediately brought me to one of the guidance counselors.  That was probably the best thing I ever did for myself, the counseling helped tremendously – for a time.

Fast forward 30 years: on and off therapy and medications from 12 to say 25, intermittent meds after that for a few more years.  And then suddenly at the lowest point of my life I stopped getting any help and since then I keep saying I need to call, make an appointment but always seemed to run into an obstacle or just simply failed to follow through and find a doctor and make the appointment and get help. WHY? Why when I know what I need to do to feel better do I not do it? Is it because I don’t want to feel better? I don’t think that is the case because all I do is think about my “good times”.  Or am I actually suicidal and don’t know it? I am scared to find out or read the “signs” of suicidal tendencies.  I don’t feel suicidal, I just don’t know.

Now here I am! Lonely, full of anxiety and dread, unhappy in every sense and literally ready to lay down and die, like hope I don’t wake up the next morning feeling.

I have health insurance through the ACA and now it’s time to stop procrastinating (see earlier posts from the week – more on that there) and find a PCP and get the authorization and find a psychologist/psychiatrist and get myself help, help that I desparately need immediately.  Because just like 30 years ago no one around me seems to realize the downward spiral of depression I have been on.

Thank you as always for being here and reading a small part of my story.  Any and all comments and feedback welcome.

Till the next post (which I will try to make fun or positive)

 

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