Overwhelmed and Learning…

I was swearing this was the week I was going to get my groove back at work and with my personal affairs and side business.  Well the universe had other ideas.

My boyfriends sister passed away unexpectedly and he was having a rough week. I  just worried about him and going right to him from work and just being there in whatever way I could.  And that means putting my personal needs to the side. But you do what you have to for the ones you love. And I still could not manage to keep my personal shit to myself during this time and I feel like he resents me a little for it now.

This week I am struggling in the deep end of the pool. I’m not very depressed but it is starting and anxiety never leaves me it is just a matter of when and why. I suffer from anxiety and depression ALL my life.  It wasn’t addressed until at the age of 12 when I asked for help in school. You would think someone would have noticed it was not normal as a 4/5-year-old kid to bang my head in the wall and cry when I was upset about getting in trouble or something I did wrong or if I was upset about something and could not articulate it. Not my family.

It took me until say 5 years ago to START realizing that I am not as crazy as I sometimes I feel. That my family while they are not bad people, are narcissistic and that the way I was brought up by them is why I am the way I am. And in the past year since I have been with my bf, I have realized so much more, I almost feel really stupid that I had not gotten it before.  But I have to remember I could not figure this out as a child and that I have now and I can move forward.

I keep saying how good my bf has been for me – it is true – he grasped my soul and began soothing it almost immediately – without even trying.

We are having some small hiccups right now , probably mostly my fault. He is not emotional at all and I am overly emotional.  And I had horrible piece of shit relationships the last one 2 years the previous 10. So it is super easy to let my fears and insecurities and memories of how I used to be treated flood my brain causing me to overthink and start nit picking and causing issues were there are none.  However he does need to work on opening up to me more and in the past two weeks I am starting to see it and I just need to be patient. Just like he wants me to change my negative thinking – it is not something I can do overnight and neither can he.

My teeth saga continues.  I got all those implants done but I still need some root canals, crowns and a bridge.  I need $5250.  I have $1010.00 lol so I am trying to find part-time work, sell stuff on Ebay, work on survey sites where I can earn cash, using apps like gigwalk or easy shift, trying to get back on stuff I already need to purchase, and take any odd jobs I find on Craigslist.  Then after that is done I need $3000 to finish the bottom of my mouth. Then hopefully I am done beside normal routine stuff with the few real not touched teeth I have left.

I am finding it so hard to update my resume and find another job at night or weekends working in an office or hell with fluorescent lighting like I call it.  I know I could get a waitress job. But I hate people and at 36 not something I want to start doing. I am hoping I can find something a little more mindless or fun.  Or at the minimum an office job that doesn’t require much brain function. My other option is to try to get a job with a Hilton or affiliate around here, I will probable make that a career because where we plan on moving to in Vermont is a ski area with tons of hotels and resorts so I can work seasonally and get travel perks too

I also need to really focus and start working my Perfectly Posh side business.  Perfectly Posh is a naturally based line of pampering skin care products and they have absolutely changed my life.  If you would like to check my site out here is the link, if you would like some samples comment or email me your info and I will mail some out.  https://ilioness.po.sh 

And at my family’s business I need to re focus and get back on track with reorganizing, cleaning up the books, and day to day operations.  All while building a training manual so I don’t forget anything when I finally hire someone.  I am hoping my last day here is in August the Friday before the business closes for a week, that way I get my vacation pay and can leave on a high note and a week off before my next chapter begins.

My work life deserves a whole other blog post, I’ll do that when I leave maybe so it will be like closure – officially putting this place behind me.

 

I will be updating the References pages soon so stay tuned!

 

 

 

 

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I have returned from the Matrix!

I finally saw The Matrix movie a couple of months ago prompted by my boyfriend who believes lol.  That is the only reason I chose that as my title of my long awaited return post/

Where have I been you ask? LIVING – like for real, I never lived like I have this past year.  Shortly before I did my last naughty little blog post I started “talking” to someone.  He is someone I know from high school and while we were friendly kinda we were not friends and did not know much about each other at all.  He has hit me up on facebook like 4-5 in the past 5 years or so and it was just never the right time for me and honestly thought it was weird and had no curiosity whatsoever.

{Side note: I feel like you only know what the term “talking” means if you are and 80’s baby}

As I may have discussed previously the past ten years or so have been through hell generally and in the relationship department.

But you know how they say things happen for a reason? Well Donald Dump running for President facilitated me finding my soulmate and truly beginning living my life.  We both hate him and our Facebook friendship began developing over our posts regarding the situation.  It seemed most people we know felt the opposite so it sorta became me and him battling it out politically on Facebook with everyone else.

Then January 2017 he proposed lets get together and smoke some pot soon. We conversated a bit and flirted some on messenger that month.  Then early February messaged me to hang out and I ignored it lol.  Then on Valentines Day he messaged me, we xhatted for a minute then he texted me a vday poem about ending white supremacy together hahahahaha.

We started texting that day and a week later I invited him over to smoke, I was nervous he was mad casual. The heavy flirting started immediately. From that day I could not believe how easy it was between us.  It scared me I thought I was imagining things, wishful thinking, dreaming – all of it.

Fast forward today, we are a couple, we are happy, we are in love.  We are moving to Vermont in the Fall/Winter.  It is genuine and true and everything I have ever wanted in a life partner, life long love affair.  I never see my life without him in it.

He has been amazing for my mind, body and soul! He ahs taught me to be happy with my body, how to let go of the negativity in my life, to stand up for myself, to face my fears and anxiety, to create goals and most importantly how to be loved.

We are so alike , we love so much of the same things and love sharing individual likes with one another. We love learning about each other and learning new things together. We love to relax, eat, travel and love.

I am finally really in a place to develop my writing and I am setting aside time once a week to blog so stay tuned 🙂

 

Love was in the air?

I had such a wonderful Valentine’s Day. I was showered with love and treated to an amazing romantic dinner at my favorite fine dining restaurant.  I was lavished with flowers, candy and diamonds.  Love for me was profoundly professed.

NOT…

I am Single and that was just a dream lol.  My day consisted of not remembering it was even Valentine’s Day. Subliminal avoidance maybe?  Headed to work and tried to get and stay focused on the year end tasks.

After work I went to see a man about some teeth. Ha Ha get it – like going to see a man about a dog, I don’t know my Gram used to say that all the time when she would ask where I was going.  It was a man – a Dental Lab Technician who is helping to orchestrate a very costly and long overdue restoration of my mouth.  If you didn’t know me you may think I am a Meth addict or never brushed my teeth once in my life – neither of which is true.

On the way from there I had to stop at CVS for last minute V-Day gifts for family – none of whom even said hey thank you.  But I did get Roses and a card from Dad, my aunt gave me Godiva Chocolates and a Cat Post It Dispenser with a scratch off I won $5 on.  My Gram is bed ridden and no one (including me, so not can’t bitch too much) thought to ask if she wanted us to go get her stuff to give.  My uncle got me more Godiva Chocolates and a Stuffed Lion ( I am a Leo).

From there King Kullen to get a can of biscuits and then home to serve dinner.  Beef Stew from the Crock Pot.  Prepped veggies and meat the night before at midnight while having a cup of coffee and then was able to toss it all in and set it and forget it until I got home.  It was pretty good – I will make some tweeks to my recipe for next time though.

After dinner I went to my favorite dollar store which now a days $1 stores have way more than just $0.99 stuff.  Of course when I have $ the 50 things I pass all the time and say I am gonna buy one day when I have a little extra, were all gone.

Back home to do a little more cleaning and organizing in the kitchen and then headed up to my floor to do my own dishes, feed Bubba and shower.

I had some plans to write this last night but my niece bugged me to watch Criminal Minds with her and I can’t write with her in the room.  She watches the show but doesn’t pay attention then asks 100 questions about what happened. So annoying.

I was so emotional out of nowhere though last night.  All of a sudden I busted out in tears over something silly, but obviously something in my sub concisous was nawing at me – but what I don’t know exactly. Loneliness on Valentine’s Day, Anxiety about this dental procedure, overall stress and worry- or a combo?

About this teeth thing – I have 20 teeth in my mouth.  Adults should have 32. 6 have to be pulled and three are Crowns.  So technically 11 real 3 fake. Ugh. This has been an ongoing issue all of my life – bad genetics combined with pounds of candy as a child and parents to distracted to properly teach and stay on top of my mouth hygiene.  And then once I got my first job at 13 my Dad had me start paying for my own dental work so a $300 filling took me three months to pay off and that is how it went for the next 20 years on and off with a dentist start work go each week make payments then stop for a while to give my mouth and wallet a break and then there was new stuff to go bad.  Never ever ends and I kind of gave up after the last guy basically stole $350.00 of mine. I was making pre-payments for a Crown.  Then when I go to get it done finally he told me that I used the $350 for temporaries and an argument ensued,  he made the temporary wrong the first time and it fell out after 48 hours, went back had it redone and it was still uneven causing it to fall out a week later and then finally on the third try it kept.  So four months later when I went back and he told me that I was SOL because I never got a receipt and he never said that he was charging me for temporaries or I would have addressed it at that time.  So at that point I had to start saving again and when I finally went back the tooth was cracked and had to be pulled.  This was the second dentist in four years that gave me prices and a schedule and then found some way to legally back out of out agreement.  It is so frustrating.

So my Dad came into some money and a client of his offered me a wholesale restoration deal – $45k of work for $22k.  My mouth will be healthy and complete when this process ends in 6 months or so and then maybe I can start life over. 10 Impants and 18 Crowns later. I have been so self concscious that it has kept me from reconnecting with old friends, trying to make new ones, get out and date and I have hardly smiled in a picture in years.  Even laughing in public I have to control so my mouth doesn’t open more than a little. I would be mortified if anyone got a glimpse into this disgusting mouth.

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I know most people reading aren’t dentists but you can get a general idea of how terrible my mouth is and how empty it looks 😦

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A little bit of everything

So this will  be one of these all over the place posts – talking about a bunch of random stuff.  Cause hey why not?

LOLing to myself – I have watched soooo many episodes of The FBI Files that I am seeing actors who are playing a cop in one had been a dead guy in another or the killer now was a cop in an other episode or vice versa.  I have it on Amazon Fire Stick so I just let episodes play while I am doing stuff on computer or other stuff I am into it.  They are all true stories and it is good “research” for my book.  I don’t sit writing notes but sometimes I will jot down something that stands out or could be used as good inspiration.  I also watch Forensic Files for more technical information on evidence types, gathering etc…

I tried Hummus for the FIRST TIME.  I get a LoveWithFood subscription box full of delicious healthy snacks monthly.  One Box = Two Meals Help Fight Hunger in America!!!  Check the link out here: http://lovewithfood.com/invite?m=r&ref=3tkd   You will save 50% on your first box and by using the link I get the $10 credit – their way of paying it forward to the buyers! Write reviews on the site for each product get 50 points each product.  Redeem credit $ and points for Snacks from previous boxes.  It is  pretty sweet deal!  I got the Wild Garden Hummus To Go in my first box but did not try it until today.  Mainly because I do not like chick peas.  But I decided hey why not – if you don’t like it don’t eat it.  But it was not as bad as I thought.  I had the Sun Dried tomato flavor and ate it with Stonefire Garlic Naan Crisps. Not something I will always buy or eat, however another food to add to my tried it list!

I have been slowly but surely trying to change my eating habits and my thought process on food and drinks all together.  Slowly being the operative word.  4 out of 5 days of the work week I eat Lean Cuisine for lunch.  One day a week for Lunch then usually all three nights of the weekend (Sunday – only during Spring & Summers) I will eat out (usually Italian) but I try not to overeat.  That is way too much eating out. It is expensive and not that healthy most of the time.  I am going to cut out Sunday night and eat at home which is usually Macaroni or make my own healthier meal.  I bought a 2 Liter of Pepsi today but once it is gone I am going to limit myself to only two cans maximum a week.  Lastly I bought an Rove brand Infuser Water Bottle and some different fruits today.  I hardly drink water that is not making me coffee or ice tea lol.  So I am excited to try to get into the habit of drinking water using fruits for flavor 🙂 I got it all ready tonight so the water is really infused for tomorrow.  Just oranges for now – starting out basic.  I have strawberries, plums, apples and peaches for the rest of the week.

I am trying to decide if I am going to go to Florida next month when we close for vacation.  Can I let go of the anxiety of worrying about what may come in the mail at the shop while I am away or can I trust my dad won’t go get it until I return (Wednesday). Also deciding if I am gonna take my nieces with me.  I kinda want the company but I kinda want some alone time.  I mean I can always leave her and the baby at the hotel and do my own thing a few hours a day.  I have family and friends to see alone.   I want to go Big Cat Rescue that I never visited in the 4 years I lived in St. Petersburg FL and I miss Busch Gardens. Definitely want to go to Sawgrass Lake State Park as that is a location I am using in my book, plus it was one of my favorite places to go on the weekends to get out and enjoy the outdoors and wildlife.  Those are activities I want the company for and want the baby to experience.  It will be great to get some photos and new fresh memories to reach for while writing. I’ll grab a map of that whole region while I am there for reference.  So in the next few days I need to decide before prices go up.

I sorted through a lot of paperwork tonight. So that was productive. I got some laundry done today and did some grocery shopping so I have rations for the week. Breakfasts, Lunches, Snacks and Drinks.  Though I’m sure I will be at the grocery store again at least twice.  Always need something.

Got some catching up on Big Brother to do. See you during the week. Aiming for Wednesday or Thursday.

Share me. Comment anything.  Like me. Follow me. Dislike me even.  Whatever feels right. Thanks. Here is to you a Fast Monday


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Everything gets in the way!!!

YAY!!! I actually did it (patting myself on the back).  After my house work, errands and a shower of course. But here I am,   I opened the computer and immediately started this new post! This is big for me. Normally I would open WP then open Gmail and start mindlessly going through emails. Then the OCD hits me and I will stop that and open some mail but not actually take any action, just pile it up.

My whole point of this post is why I can’t seem to get into a groove.  And my reasons, feelings – excuses, whatever they are!!!

I suffer from Anxiety and Depression for 20+ years.  So sometimes I flat out CANNOT bring myself to set up my work space and write or even doing everything but write. So I watch my shows.

So then the next day I will be gung-ho ready to go but something unavoidable will come up and then I get pissed off because now ” it’s too late” to get anything going. But that is a lie and I know it! I am up till 1 or 2 am anyway. I fester on how I let someone else’s needs come before mine.  And while that is true, I need to actually start putting mine first, not just saying I need to!  Right?  Duh! (slaps head). So what your night did not go as planned and now it is 11pm? You wanna write? Write RIGHT now!

Then there are the times when I have ideas flowing all day – making notes (mental and written), developing character traits and ties to the plot line. And I open up my notes, my laptop and I am stuck! This happens more often than not.  It is like I psych myself out and then instead of remembering my earlier thought process I just think to myself-  it all sucks anyway, no-one will want to read you. From there it is a pity party and I am the host!

Earlier I mentioned Obsessive Compulsive Disorder or OCD.  I want to address that.  Maybe clarify.  I have never discussed with a doctor or been diagnosed by a doctor.  I guess I have OCD tendencies in my own opinion.  Maybe I should seek a professional opinion.  I don’t know.  What I do know is that I do not want to offend anyone who is diagnosed and suffers from OCD in any form. It can be mild, mostly unnoticeable or severe and debilitating.  I am not just claiming to have a serious ailment for attention.  I just like to be open and honest about myself and my feelings and thoughts.  And I feel that I do have some OCD behaviors.

Want to hear one of my most RIDICULOUS reasons I don’t get to write.  It seems like I subliminally punish myself so that if I make a goal publicly and don’t stick to it I almost won’t let myself do it the next day.  I say to myself oh you missed yesterday’s post goal, now you look like a bigger loser than before.  SO I compound the situation by not writing, again. Feeling worse I do it again the next day and so on.  That is why it is 12 days since my last post rather than like I promised! (Ugh loserrr).  This is something I am trying to immediately change about myself.

I must stop this endless cycle of bad thoughts about my writing the bad habit of not writing.  Right now it is for me and if I want to get good I have to stick to the basics. Read, write, edit, read your own stuff, read, edit, write, read, write, write, read, read your own stuff, write, read, write etc

Does it seem like I am being harsh on myself? GOODIE that is what I am going for.  I have to confront what I know is holding me back.  That is the only way I can break free of this shell and grow. Grow as a human, a woman, a writer.

No promises except for see you soon {I hope…}

Thanks for listening!

“Calm Down”

I     HATE     THOSE     WORDS….

Normal people may not mind it but people who suffers from depression and anxiety and the anger/rage that comes with those illnesses, absolutely abhor that phrase.

If I could in fact “calm down” it would be unnecessary for you to tell me to do so.  And I am not in the state I am because I want to be or choose to be.

No matter how many times you explain to some people that its very hard to be told THAT , there are many who feel that mental illness is not an illness/disease, they believe that you choose to feel the way we do.

#MentalIllnessIsReal

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Wishing I Wasn’t

HERE –  ON EARTH, SOMETIMES I WISH I WAS DEAD

I am at a time in my life where I am so unhappy and so extremely lonely that I often find myself saying ” I Wish I was DEAD” and that is NOT a threat of suicide.  Just the general feeling I have.  So I am not sitting here thinking of ways to end my life, trust me. But I am struggling with this – I have had anxiety and depression MOST of my life.  Probably a lot longer than when first diagnosed.

But I had parents too worried about fighting with one another – verbally and physically and cheating, drinking, drugging. Too busy to realize that it was not normal for a 3-4 year old to be so upset about not doing something she was told that she sat on the floor hysterically crying hyperventilating and banging her head into the cabinet repeatedly.  I needed help then and 30 years later I still do.

It was not until I was 12 or 13 in Middle School and they were finally divorcing and  ending it for good (something I asked them to do far too many times from the age of 6).  At that time it was very stressful for me, ratting my Mom out for her illegal activities while having Custody of me so my Dad would win the case.  Choosing a parent is terrible  – especially when the one you want to choose is the not the one you have to choose.  I took the initiative and told a teacher I was pretty close to that I needed someone to talk to and they immediately brought me to one of the guidance counselors.  That was probably the best thing I ever did for myself, the counseling helped tremendously – for a time.

Fast forward 30 years: on and off therapy and medications from 12 to say 25, intermittent meds after that for a few more years.  And then suddenly at the lowest point of my life I stopped getting any help and since then I keep saying I need to call, make an appointment but always seemed to run into an obstacle or just simply failed to follow through and find a doctor and make the appointment and get help. WHY? Why when I know what I need to do to feel better do I not do it? Is it because I don’t want to feel better? I don’t think that is the case because all I do is think about my “good times”.  Or am I actually suicidal and don’t know it? I am scared to find out or read the “signs” of suicidal tendencies.  I don’t feel suicidal, I just don’t know.

Now here I am! Lonely, full of anxiety and dread, unhappy in every sense and literally ready to lay down and die, like hope I don’t wake up the next morning feeling.

I have health insurance through the ACA and now it’s time to stop procrastinating (see earlier posts from the week – more on that there) and find a PCP and get the authorization and find a psychologist/psychiatrist and get myself help, help that I desparately need immediately.  Because just like 30 years ago no one around me seems to realize the downward spiral of depression I have been on.

Thank you as always for being here and reading a small part of my story.  Any and all comments and feedback welcome.

Till the next post (which I will try to make fun or positive)

 

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