Everything gets in the way!!!

YAY!!! I actually did it (patting myself on the back).  After my house work, errands and a shower of course. But here I am,   I opened the computer and immediately started this new post! This is big for me. Normally I would open WP then open Gmail and start mindlessly going through emails. Then the OCD hits me and I will stop that and open some mail but not actually take any action, just pile it up.

My whole point of this post is why I can’t seem to get into a groove.  And my reasons, feelings – excuses, whatever they are!!!

I suffer from Anxiety and Depression for 20+ years.  So sometimes I flat out CANNOT bring myself to set up my work space and write or even doing everything but write. So I watch my shows.

So then the next day I will be gung-ho ready to go but something unavoidable will come up and then I get pissed off because now ” it’s too late” to get anything going. But that is a lie and I know it! I am up till 1 or 2 am anyway. I fester on how I let someone else’s needs come before mine.  And while that is true, I need to actually start putting mine first, not just saying I need to!  Right?  Duh! (slaps head). So what your night did not go as planned and now it is 11pm? You wanna write? Write RIGHT now!

Then there are the times when I have ideas flowing all day – making notes (mental and written), developing character traits and ties to the plot line. And I open up my notes, my laptop and I am stuck! This happens more often than not.  It is like I psych myself out and then instead of remembering my earlier thought process I just think to myself-  it all sucks anyway, no-one will want to read you. From there it is a pity party and I am the host!

Earlier I mentioned Obsessive Compulsive Disorder or OCD.  I want to address that.  Maybe clarify.  I have never discussed with a doctor or been diagnosed by a doctor.  I guess I have OCD tendencies in my own opinion.  Maybe I should seek a professional opinion.  I don’t know.  What I do know is that I do not want to offend anyone who is diagnosed and suffers from OCD in any form. It can be mild, mostly unnoticeable or severe and debilitating.  I am not just claiming to have a serious ailment for attention.  I just like to be open and honest about myself and my feelings and thoughts.  And I feel that I do have some OCD behaviors.

Want to hear one of my most RIDICULOUS reasons I don’t get to write.  It seems like I subliminally punish myself so that if I make a goal publicly and don’t stick to it I almost won’t let myself do it the next day.  I say to myself oh you missed yesterday’s post goal, now you look like a bigger loser than before.  SO I compound the situation by not writing, again. Feeling worse I do it again the next day and so on.  That is why it is 12 days since my last post rather than like I promised! (Ugh loserrr).  This is something I am trying to immediately change about myself.

I must stop this endless cycle of bad thoughts about my writing the bad habit of not writing.  Right now it is for me and if I want to get good I have to stick to the basics. Read, write, edit, read your own stuff, read, edit, write, read, write, write, read, read your own stuff, write, read, write etc

Does it seem like I am being harsh on myself? GOODIE that is what I am going for.  I have to confront what I know is holding me back.  That is the only way I can break free of this shell and grow. Grow as a human, a woman, a writer.

No promises except for see you soon {I hope…}

Thanks for listening!

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“Calm Down”

I     HATE     THOSE     WORDS….

Normal people may not mind it but people who suffers from depression and anxiety and the anger/rage that comes with those illnesses, absolutely abhor that phrase.

If I could in fact “calm down” it would be unnecessary for you to tell me to do so.  And I am not in the state I am because I want to be or choose to be.

No matter how many times you explain to some people that its very hard to be told THAT , there are many who feel that mental illness is not an illness/disease, they believe that you choose to feel the way we do.

#MentalIllnessIsReal

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Wishing I Wasn’t

HERE –  ON EARTH, SOMETIMES I WISH I WAS DEAD

I am at a time in my life where I am so unhappy and so extremely lonely that I often find myself saying ” I Wish I was DEAD” and that is NOT a threat of suicide.  Just the general feeling I have.  So I am not sitting here thinking of ways to end my life, trust me. But I am struggling with this – I have had anxiety and depression MOST of my life.  Probably a lot longer than when first diagnosed.

But I had parents too worried about fighting with one another – verbally and physically and cheating, drinking, drugging. Too busy to realize that it was not normal for a 3-4 year old to be so upset about not doing something she was told that she sat on the floor hysterically crying hyperventilating and banging her head into the cabinet repeatedly.  I needed help then and 30 years later I still do.

It was not until I was 12 or 13 in Middle School and they were finally divorcing and  ending it for good (something I asked them to do far too many times from the age of 6).  At that time it was very stressful for me, ratting my Mom out for her illegal activities while having Custody of me so my Dad would win the case.  Choosing a parent is terrible  – especially when the one you want to choose is the not the one you have to choose.  I took the initiative and told a teacher I was pretty close to that I needed someone to talk to and they immediately brought me to one of the guidance counselors.  That was probably the best thing I ever did for myself, the counseling helped tremendously – for a time.

Fast forward 30 years: on and off therapy and medications from 12 to say 25, intermittent meds after that for a few more years.  And then suddenly at the lowest point of my life I stopped getting any help and since then I keep saying I need to call, make an appointment but always seemed to run into an obstacle or just simply failed to follow through and find a doctor and make the appointment and get help. WHY? Why when I know what I need to do to feel better do I not do it? Is it because I don’t want to feel better? I don’t think that is the case because all I do is think about my “good times”.  Or am I actually suicidal and don’t know it? I am scared to find out or read the “signs” of suicidal tendencies.  I don’t feel suicidal, I just don’t know.

Now here I am! Lonely, full of anxiety and dread, unhappy in every sense and literally ready to lay down and die, like hope I don’t wake up the next morning feeling.

I have health insurance through the ACA and now it’s time to stop procrastinating (see earlier posts from the week – more on that there) and find a PCP and get the authorization and find a psychologist/psychiatrist and get myself help, help that I desparately need immediately.  Because just like 30 years ago no one around me seems to realize the downward spiral of depression I have been on.

Thank you as always for being here and reading a small part of my story.  Any and all comments and feedback welcome.

Till the next post (which I will try to make fun or positive)

 

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