Everything gets in the way!!!

YAY!!! I actually did it (patting myself on the back).  After my house work, errands and a shower of course. But here I am,   I opened the computer and immediately started this new post! This is big for me. Normally I would open WP then open Gmail and start mindlessly going through emails. Then the OCD hits me and I will stop that and open some mail but not actually take any action, just pile it up.

My whole point of this post is why I can’t seem to get into a groove.  And my reasons, feelings – excuses, whatever they are!!!

I suffer from Anxiety and Depression for 20+ years.  So sometimes I flat out CANNOT bring myself to set up my work space and write or even doing everything but write. So I watch my shows.

So then the next day I will be gung-ho ready to go but something unavoidable will come up and then I get pissed off because now ” it’s too late” to get anything going. But that is a lie and I know it! I am up till 1 or 2 am anyway. I fester on how I let someone else’s needs come before mine.  And while that is true, I need to actually start putting mine first, not just saying I need to!  Right?  Duh! (slaps head). So what your night did not go as planned and now it is 11pm? You wanna write? Write RIGHT now!

Then there are the times when I have ideas flowing all day – making notes (mental and written), developing character traits and ties to the plot line. And I open up my notes, my laptop and I am stuck! This happens more often than not.  It is like I psych myself out and then instead of remembering my earlier thought process I just think to myself-  it all sucks anyway, no-one will want to read you. From there it is a pity party and I am the host!

Earlier I mentioned Obsessive Compulsive Disorder or OCD.  I want to address that.  Maybe clarify.  I have never discussed with a doctor or been diagnosed by a doctor.  I guess I have OCD tendencies in my own opinion.  Maybe I should seek a professional opinion.  I don’t know.  What I do know is that I do not want to offend anyone who is diagnosed and suffers from OCD in any form. It can be mild, mostly unnoticeable or severe and debilitating.  I am not just claiming to have a serious ailment for attention.  I just like to be open and honest about myself and my feelings and thoughts.  And I feel that I do have some OCD behaviors.

Want to hear one of my most RIDICULOUS reasons I don’t get to write.  It seems like I subliminally punish myself so that if I make a goal publicly and don’t stick to it I almost won’t let myself do it the next day.  I say to myself oh you missed yesterday’s post goal, now you look like a bigger loser than before.  SO I compound the situation by not writing, again. Feeling worse I do it again the next day and so on.  That is why it is 12 days since my last post rather than like I promised! (Ugh loserrr).  This is something I am trying to immediately change about myself.

I must stop this endless cycle of bad thoughts about my writing the bad habit of not writing.  Right now it is for me and if I want to get good I have to stick to the basics. Read, write, edit, read your own stuff, read, edit, write, read, write, write, read, read your own stuff, write, read, write etc

Does it seem like I am being harsh on myself? GOODIE that is what I am going for.  I have to confront what I know is holding me back.  That is the only way I can break free of this shell and grow. Grow as a human, a woman, a writer.

No promises except for see you soon {I hope…}

Thanks for listening!

Ugh…16 Days

Hey Y’all !!!!                                                                                                                                                 {Yes I live in New Yawk but my Momma was a Southerner and I lived in Florida close  to 5 years and I like it }

I know two posts ago I said I was going to really try to get put one post a week.  And I just log in to WordPress and see ” It has been 16 Days…” and I am like Damnnnnnnnnnn It!

Any way I was going to write anyway because I have so much on my mind the past few days.  I feel focused.  I feel like my old self – from 25 years ago. And that’s good, for the most part.  I am trying to create a new routine, set writing and publishing goals and make time for my other activities. Those are supposed to be part of  my what I want to write about too! All while trying not to continue doing the OCD thing I do where I make a list of all the things to do and start at the top every day. And never finish or get anywhere! Baby Steps.  Really tiny baby feet steps lol.

So is it really weird that I have Tampons that I bought in a multi pack that I don’t use and I offered to give away on Facebook. I said to answer via private message or text for obvious reasons.  But it was just ignored. So are people like – WTF is wrong with this crazy woman? It is a shame to throw away and I don’t know if I can donate somewhere?  Any references please comment.

I mean I don’t care all that much what most people on Facebook think of me. Cause I  also started a Social Media purge this week. Deleting people and pages that are not relevant or meaningful to me.  Some family and extended family included.  People talk about me anyway lol.  And I was keeping “friends” on that I had barely or never even interacted with. Then all these pages I have absent minded clicked or been asked/pushed to Like – GONE!  Timelines and news feeds are looking much better!  And this is good because I will be more inclined to use these platforms and interact with more people :).  I am also keeping family from everything but Facebook.

I am going to save some more of this stuff on my mind for next post.  Got some mail and other crap to catch up on and clean up before 11:41.

Remember – Sharing is Caring !!! And all that you do will make a difference to me!!!

I will have another post out by Sunday – Promise y’all!

Toodles

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