Overwhelmed and Learning…

I was swearing this was the week I was going to get my groove back at work and with my personal affairs and side business.  Well the universe had other ideas.

My boyfriends sister passed away unexpectedly and he was having a rough week. I  just worried about him and going right to him from work and just being there in whatever way I could.  And that means putting my personal needs to the side. But you do what you have to for the ones you love. And I still could not manage to keep my personal shit to myself during this time and I feel like he resents me a little for it now.

This week I am struggling in the deep end of the pool. I’m not very depressed but it is starting and anxiety never leaves me it is just a matter of when and why. I suffer from anxiety and depression ALL my life.  It wasn’t addressed until at the age of 12 when I asked for help in school. You would think someone would have noticed it was not normal as a 4/5-year-old kid to bang my head in the wall and cry when I was upset about getting in trouble or something I did wrong or if I was upset about something and could not articulate it. Not my family.

It took me until say 5 years ago to START realizing that I am not as crazy as I sometimes I feel. That my family while they are not bad people, are narcissistic and that the way I was brought up by them is why I am the way I am. And in the past year since I have been with my bf, I have realized so much more, I almost feel really stupid that I had not gotten it before.  But I have to remember I could not figure this out as a child and that I have now and I can move forward.

I keep saying how good my bf has been for me – it is true – he grasped my soul and began soothing it almost immediately – without even trying.

We are having some small hiccups right now , probably mostly my fault. He is not emotional at all and I am overly emotional.  And I had horrible piece of shit relationships the last one 2 years the previous 10. So it is super easy to let my fears and insecurities and memories of how I used to be treated flood my brain causing me to overthink and start nit picking and causing issues were there are none.  However he does need to work on opening up to me more and in the past two weeks I am starting to see it and I just need to be patient. Just like he wants me to change my negative thinking – it is not something I can do overnight and neither can he.

My teeth saga continues.  I got all those implants done but I still need some root canals, crowns and a bridge.  I need $5250.  I have $1010.00 lol so I am trying to find part-time work, sell stuff on Ebay, work on survey sites where I can earn cash, using apps like gigwalk or easy shift, trying to get back on stuff I already need to purchase, and take any odd jobs I find on Craigslist.  Then after that is done I need $3000 to finish the bottom of my mouth. Then hopefully I am done beside normal routine stuff with the few real not touched teeth I have left.

I am finding it so hard to update my resume and find another job at night or weekends working in an office or hell with fluorescent lighting like I call it.  I know I could get a waitress job. But I hate people and at 36 not something I want to start doing. I am hoping I can find something a little more mindless or fun.  Or at the minimum an office job that doesn’t require much brain function. My other option is to try to get a job with a Hilton or affiliate around here, I will probable make that a career because where we plan on moving to in Vermont is a ski area with tons of hotels and resorts so I can work seasonally and get travel perks too

I also need to really focus and start working my Perfectly Posh side business.  Perfectly Posh is a naturally based line of pampering skin care products and they have absolutely changed my life.  If you would like to check my site out here is the link, if you would like some samples comment or email me your info and I will mail some out.  https://ilioness.po.sh 

And at my family’s business I need to re focus and get back on track with reorganizing, cleaning up the books, and day to day operations.  All while building a training manual so I don’t forget anything when I finally hire someone.  I am hoping my last day here is in August the Friday before the business closes for a week, that way I get my vacation pay and can leave on a high note and a week off before my next chapter begins.

My work life deserves a whole other blog post, I’ll do that when I leave maybe so it will be like closure – officially putting this place behind me.

 

I will be updating the References pages soon so stay tuned!

 

 

 

 

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Love was in the air?

I had such a wonderful Valentine’s Day. I was showered with love and treated to an amazing romantic dinner at my favorite fine dining restaurant.  I was lavished with flowers, candy and diamonds.  Love for me was profoundly professed.

NOT…

I am Single and that was just a dream lol.  My day consisted of not remembering it was even Valentine’s Day. Subliminal avoidance maybe?  Headed to work and tried to get and stay focused on the year end tasks.

After work I went to see a man about some teeth. Ha Ha get it – like going to see a man about a dog, I don’t know my Gram used to say that all the time when she would ask where I was going.  It was a man – a Dental Lab Technician who is helping to orchestrate a very costly and long overdue restoration of my mouth.  If you didn’t know me you may think I am a Meth addict or never brushed my teeth once in my life – neither of which is true.

On the way from there I had to stop at CVS for last minute V-Day gifts for family – none of whom even said hey thank you.  But I did get Roses and a card from Dad, my aunt gave me Godiva Chocolates and a Cat Post It Dispenser with a scratch off I won $5 on.  My Gram is bed ridden and no one (including me, so not can’t bitch too much) thought to ask if she wanted us to go get her stuff to give.  My uncle got me more Godiva Chocolates and a Stuffed Lion ( I am a Leo).

From there King Kullen to get a can of biscuits and then home to serve dinner.  Beef Stew from the Crock Pot.  Prepped veggies and meat the night before at midnight while having a cup of coffee and then was able to toss it all in and set it and forget it until I got home.  It was pretty good – I will make some tweeks to my recipe for next time though.

After dinner I went to my favorite dollar store which now a days $1 stores have way more than just $0.99 stuff.  Of course when I have $ the 50 things I pass all the time and say I am gonna buy one day when I have a little extra, were all gone.

Back home to do a little more cleaning and organizing in the kitchen and then headed up to my floor to do my own dishes, feed Bubba and shower.

I had some plans to write this last night but my niece bugged me to watch Criminal Minds with her and I can’t write with her in the room.  She watches the show but doesn’t pay attention then asks 100 questions about what happened. So annoying.

I was so emotional out of nowhere though last night.  All of a sudden I busted out in tears over something silly, but obviously something in my sub concisous was nawing at me – but what I don’t know exactly. Loneliness on Valentine’s Day, Anxiety about this dental procedure, overall stress and worry- or a combo?

About this teeth thing – I have 20 teeth in my mouth.  Adults should have 32. 6 have to be pulled and three are Crowns.  So technically 11 real 3 fake. Ugh. This has been an ongoing issue all of my life – bad genetics combined with pounds of candy as a child and parents to distracted to properly teach and stay on top of my mouth hygiene.  And then once I got my first job at 13 my Dad had me start paying for my own dental work so a $300 filling took me three months to pay off and that is how it went for the next 20 years on and off with a dentist start work go each week make payments then stop for a while to give my mouth and wallet a break and then there was new stuff to go bad.  Never ever ends and I kind of gave up after the last guy basically stole $350.00 of mine. I was making pre-payments for a Crown.  Then when I go to get it done finally he told me that I used the $350 for temporaries and an argument ensued,  he made the temporary wrong the first time and it fell out after 48 hours, went back had it redone and it was still uneven causing it to fall out a week later and then finally on the third try it kept.  So four months later when I went back and he told me that I was SOL because I never got a receipt and he never said that he was charging me for temporaries or I would have addressed it at that time.  So at that point I had to start saving again and when I finally went back the tooth was cracked and had to be pulled.  This was the second dentist in four years that gave me prices and a schedule and then found some way to legally back out of out agreement.  It is so frustrating.

So my Dad came into some money and a client of his offered me a wholesale restoration deal – $45k of work for $22k.  My mouth will be healthy and complete when this process ends in 6 months or so and then maybe I can start life over. 10 Impants and 18 Crowns later. I have been so self concscious that it has kept me from reconnecting with old friends, trying to make new ones, get out and date and I have hardly smiled in a picture in years.  Even laughing in public I have to control so my mouth doesn’t open more than a little. I would be mortified if anyone got a glimpse into this disgusting mouth.

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I know most people reading aren’t dentists but you can get a general idea of how terrible my mouth is and how empty it looks 😦

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