Everything gets in the way!!!

YAY!!! I actually did it (patting myself on the back).  After my house work, errands and a shower of course. But here I am,   I opened the computer and immediately started this new post! This is big for me. Normally I would open WP then open Gmail and start mindlessly going through emails. Then the OCD hits me and I will stop that and open some mail but not actually take any action, just pile it up.

My whole point of this post is why I can’t seem to get into a groove.  And my reasons, feelings – excuses, whatever they are!!!

I suffer from Anxiety and Depression for 20+ years.  So sometimes I flat out CANNOT bring myself to set up my work space and write or even doing everything but write. So I watch my shows.

So then the next day I will be gung-ho ready to go but something unavoidable will come up and then I get pissed off because now ” it’s too late” to get anything going. But that is a lie and I know it! I am up till 1 or 2 am anyway. I fester on how I let someone else’s needs come before mine.  And while that is true, I need to actually start putting mine first, not just saying I need to!  Right?  Duh! (slaps head). So what your night did not go as planned and now it is 11pm? You wanna write? Write RIGHT now!

Then there are the times when I have ideas flowing all day – making notes (mental and written), developing character traits and ties to the plot line. And I open up my notes, my laptop and I am stuck! This happens more often than not.  It is like I psych myself out and then instead of remembering my earlier thought process I just think to myself-  it all sucks anyway, no-one will want to read you. From there it is a pity party and I am the host!

Earlier I mentioned Obsessive Compulsive Disorder or OCD.  I want to address that.  Maybe clarify.  I have never discussed with a doctor or been diagnosed by a doctor.  I guess I have OCD tendencies in my own opinion.  Maybe I should seek a professional opinion.  I don’t know.  What I do know is that I do not want to offend anyone who is diagnosed and suffers from OCD in any form. It can be mild, mostly unnoticeable or severe and debilitating.  I am not just claiming to have a serious ailment for attention.  I just like to be open and honest about myself and my feelings and thoughts.  And I feel that I do have some OCD behaviors.

Want to hear one of my most RIDICULOUS reasons I don’t get to write.  It seems like I subliminally punish myself so that if I make a goal publicly and don’t stick to it I almost won’t let myself do it the next day.  I say to myself oh you missed yesterday’s post goal, now you look like a bigger loser than before.  SO I compound the situation by not writing, again. Feeling worse I do it again the next day and so on.  That is why it is 12 days since my last post rather than like I promised! (Ugh loserrr).  This is something I am trying to immediately change about myself.

I must stop this endless cycle of bad thoughts about my writing the bad habit of not writing.  Right now it is for me and if I want to get good I have to stick to the basics. Read, write, edit, read your own stuff, read, edit, write, read, write, write, read, read your own stuff, write, read, write etc

Does it seem like I am being harsh on myself? GOODIE that is what I am going for.  I have to confront what I know is holding me back.  That is the only way I can break free of this shell and grow. Grow as a human, a woman, a writer.

No promises except for see you soon {I hope…}

Thanks for listening!

Ugh…16 Days

Hey Y’all !!!!                                                                                                                                                 {Yes I live in New Yawk but my Momma was a Southerner and I lived in Florida close  to 5 years and I like it }

I know two posts ago I said I was going to really try to get put one post a week.  And I just log in to WordPress and see ” It has been 16 Days…” and I am like Damnnnnnnnnnn It!

Any way I was going to write anyway because I have so much on my mind the past few days.  I feel focused.  I feel like my old self – from 25 years ago. And that’s good, for the most part.  I am trying to create a new routine, set writing and publishing goals and make time for my other activities. Those are supposed to be part of  my what I want to write about too! All while trying not to continue doing the OCD thing I do where I make a list of all the things to do and start at the top every day. And never finish or get anywhere! Baby Steps.  Really tiny baby feet steps lol.

So is it really weird that I have Tampons that I bought in a multi pack that I don’t use and I offered to give away on Facebook. I said to answer via private message or text for obvious reasons.  But it was just ignored. So are people like – WTF is wrong with this crazy woman? It is a shame to throw away and I don’t know if I can donate somewhere?  Any references please comment.

I mean I don’t care all that much what most people on Facebook think of me. Cause I  also started a Social Media purge this week. Deleting people and pages that are not relevant or meaningful to me.  Some family and extended family included.  People talk about me anyway lol.  And I was keeping “friends” on that I had barely or never even interacted with. Then all these pages I have absent minded clicked or been asked/pushed to Like – GONE!  Timelines and news feeds are looking much better!  And this is good because I will be more inclined to use these platforms and interact with more people :).  I am also keeping family from everything but Facebook.

I am going to save some more of this stuff on my mind for next post.  Got some mail and other crap to catch up on and clean up before 11:41.

Remember – Sharing is Caring !!! And all that you do will make a difference to me!!!

I will have another post out by Sunday – Promise y’all!

Toodles

Image result for social media deleting people meme

 

deletesocmed

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Here is where I am at – Today.

Been having a down week.

Home life is to say the least, HARD, emotionally.

To explain the whole story of what has me upset since yesterday would be boring and quite long to type.  Bottom line is arguing with my uncle over the dishwasher being on and each of us having to take showers and being told – “From now on ASK to take a shower before you do”. And I was floored!!!

You see I grew up next door to him and lived in the same house since 13.  This is not a new living arrangement. We were quite close.  WERE. Things have been escalating for a long time. And getting more volatile almost daily.  This new thing of his, telling me what to do and how to do it – OH NO I need to end this soon.

You see I work for my Uncle and Dad.  We all live in the same house with their Mother, my Grandmother.  Daily for the last 5 out of 8 years I WAIT for him in the mornings.  He takes an hour to do nothing when I wake him. (Yea I wake him up like his Mommy for his own business.  He is almost 15 years older.)  I used to sit in the car and wait but now I make coffee at home and bring breakfast and lunch.  After a few months into this new routine I realized I could just sit on the couch and relax, get a ten minute cat nap in @ 8:40 a.m.

So about a month ago I was kinda rushing him on bequest of my Dad because of a new employee.  He was deliberately stalling minutes at a time on purpose.  When he came up and saw me laying on the ottoman, he was hostile! He said “if your gonna fucking rush me then you better be outside in the car waiting” I was SHOCKED.   {Sorry for all the capital words I am in a mood)

I have tried to reach out to him on numerous occasions and work on things but he seems to think I am the aggressor and I treat him badly and when I point out various things he does that are mean and nasty, he tells me I take things to heart.  Well yea duh I have one. And I am told by many people its a big one, sorry don’t mean to brag. But I  Swear sometimes I think his is locked up.

Maybe to you my readers this seems frivolous.  And I get that.  I guess you need to know more about our relationship and it’s decline. [Hint hint – guess you better stick around for more info) But I think these things go against basic respect for another person – especially a close family member.

I choose not to elaborate any more right now because I am so hurt and angry from the incident yesterday to something else that happened today that I fear if I go on I will go off on too many tangents and begin to sound a little too far out there.

Please share thoughts and insights – good or bad all is welcome and appreciated. And any sharing you do is too!

Thank you for listening and please keep on keeping on with me, I am working to at least get one post out a week and maybe start adding some other Pages type content for your viewing pleasure.

Any suggestions – anything you want to hear about or hear more about – let me know 🙂

Guest Post #1

Ari Meghlen of The Eternal Scribbler asked me to be a Guest Poster on her blog.  I graciously accepted.  Below is the link to that post.  Please do check it out and then explore Ari’s site.  Especially if you are a writer of any kind her site will help you in so many ways.

My guest post on The Eternal Scribbler got me nominated for The 2016 Liebster award.  Check out my previous post for more information on that!

https://ilionessblog.wordpress.com/2016/06/12/nominated-the-2016-liebster-award/

 

Thank you for stopping by.  All views, likes, follows and shares are greatly appreciated!!!

 

 

Nominated: The 2016 Liebster Award

SHOUT OUT TO:  Brenda @ https://cyberneticblonde.com/

She Nominated me for the 2016 Liebster Award.  I didn’t even know of such an award and I am flattered at the nomination.  Brenda and I just found one another after my guest post on another blog ( see previous post).  She likes my stuff and I like hers. Very thought provoking posts and amazing images she finds to use that are related to her posts. You will definitely not be sorry visiting her page.

LiebsterAward

 

My favorite Blog right now is:

https://theeternalscribbler.wordpress.com/

Written by Ari Meghlen. I found it through WordPress Reader and I am so happy I did.  Described as “tips, tricks and tutorials for writers” it is ALL that and then some.Ari is intelligent and well spoken.  She brings a personal feel to her writing and you feel an instant connection to her.  I was engulfed in her blog from the first visit.  I visit daily now because she has so much useful content.  Ari and I have also chatted via email and she even invited me to do a guest post on her blog.  https://theeternalscribbler.wordpress.com/2016/06/07/guest-post-am-i-really-a-writer/comment-page-1/#comment-223. She is down to earth and makes you feel like a friend immediately.  That is so refreshing especially when you have questions or want more information on content she has posted.  Her tutorials are a MUST SEE.  They are proving to me invaluable as I trudge along my personal discovery journey and my writing journey.  If you check out MY blog you will begin to learn more about me lol.  After all Ari is the reason I got nominated so HUGE thanks to her.  Because of my guest post on her blog I got found by Brenda and nominated. So please check The Eternal Scribbler out.

 

TEN RANDOM FACTS ABOUT ME:
1. I am allergic to Penicillin

2. My eyes are Blue

3. I cannot ride a Bicycle

4. I love the Crime Genre (Books, TV, Movies Etc)

5. I don’t sleep with a top sheet

6. My middle name is Alice

7. I have two lions tattooed on my back

8. I only eat Onions in Onion Rings, and only occasionly

9. I have a Dog, A Cat and  Fish

10. I have two birthmarks

 

MY NOMINATIONS:

  1. The Eternal Scribbler – https://theeternalscribbler.wordpress.com/
  2. CyberneticBlonde – http://cyberneticblonde.com/
  3. World of Horror – https://amirhoseinghazi.wordpress.com/
  4. Anna Kaling – http://annakaling.com/
  5. Dirty Sci-Fi Buddha  – http://dirtyscifibuddha.com/

 

OFFICIAL RULES TO ACCEPT AND PARTICIPATE IN THE NOMINATION FOR

THE LIEBSTER AWARD:

http://theglobalaussie.com/the-official-rules-of-the-liebster-award-2016/

 

QUESTIONS FOR MY NOMINEES:

  1. What is your biggest regret?
  2. Name a run down bar in your community?
  3. What is the scariest thing to ever happen to you?
  4. Do you believe in ghosts?
  5. Do you watch the olympics?
  6. Who is your inspiration?
  7. When do want to retire?
  8. Why do you read other blogs?
  9. Name 3 Serial Killers?
  10. Where do you want to travel the most?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Do I have a Purpose?

Purpose

Often I find my inner me saying you have a bigger purpose in life than you think.  But what that is I am not completely sure.  Saving animals, saving the oceans, helping abused kids, inventing something or discovering something. Or all of those things and then some?

Who knows? Will anyone ever know? How will I know when it hits me, will it be a “AA HA” this is what I am meant to do or a long and tedious build up to the inevitable.  I feel like I could be Multi Purpose. That possibly one thing will build into many.  And in the end I can say it was my lifelong work that I didn’t know I was doing until I knew.

The past few weeks and have been good and bad but I can feel the changes coming on – you  may know them too. Those times when you have been so miserable for so long and then one day you realize you are feeling different  – maybe a bit more optimistic and not as sad. SO could it be another part of the build up?

Stick around and find out what happens next as I start to crawl out of the hole I have been in. I will appreciate every like, comment or follow. And I promise to make more of an effort with my online interacting.  Thank You for reading. Nite all

RWE Quote Purpose

Then I find this amazing quote and my whole thought process on the subject is now in knots 😦

 

 

 

{WP The Daily Post Daily Writing Prompts}

 

“South”

South

That is it! I have had it with his promises and apologies. I am sick of putting my needs last his first. Why do my dreams and goals mean nothing to him and everything to me. And why do my husband’s dreams and goals seem to dictate every aspect of our life together?

Now that I finally woke up out of this fog, I decided to dictate my own life – with or without him!!  I am moving South, I heard of an amazing wildlife rescue in desperate need of a Forensic Specialist in Kentucky.

I have been packing for two days while he sits there – yes him my so called husband watching me carry crates and bags and boxes to my truck and just laughs and says “WTF the thrift shop is gonna love all that stuff” and goes back to his “most important life work”.  He does not even realize that I have not spoken a word to him in 72 hours or that all of my toiletries are gone from the bathroom.  And our dogs – who he claims he loves so much – he has not realized they are packed up and ready to go as well.

Fast Forward…..

It is 36 hours later and my cell rings, – it is the husband I once had.  Umm where are you? I haven’t eaten yet today.  I laugh quite hysterically – that is when he realizes something is wrong.  He asks again – Where are you?   I calmly say “I have headed South – look to your left there is an envelope there explaining everything, PLEASE do not take longer than the 36 hours it took to realize I was gone to SIGN THE DIVORCE PAPERS.

CLICK (dialtone) I do wish we were face-timing so  could see the look on his face!!!!

But I smile to myself and at the dogs in the rearview and then look back forward to MY goals ans dreams as I pull up to my very first Animal Cruelty Crime Scene.

 

{THE DAILY POST WRITING PROMPT}